I Swore to My Parents That I Would Never Change
My rebellious years started quite unexpectedly for myself and for my parents. They didn’t come until I was 17 and it seems that there is no end to it, at least in the view of my parents. The look of those years (or even till now) were in disguise under the performance of an exemplary student and then adult.
I simply didn’t and still don’t fall in line when it comes to any major life decision.
I didn’t have much memories of having conversations of substance with my parents and when we were at it, it mostly turned into fights.
They would said so certainly, “You will regret it someday.”
And I would yield back, “I will NEVER change!”
For years and years in my adulthood, consciously and unconsciously, I gripped on this “promise” so hard and did all I could not to change.
Last night, well actually this morning at 2am, after a monthly meeting with an organization I am involved in, I was lying in bed trying to get some hours of sleep before my regular surfing hour.
London came to mind.
I used to love London. Though I never had long stay there, from the first moment of my first time setting foot in the city, I felt home.
I used to want so much to move to London at some point in my life.
The sensation of standing somewhere betweent the London Eye and the London Tower on the south bank came alive in my body.
“Will I move to London if given the chances?”
I am no longer sure.
From a person who had so assertively claimed herself a city girl and predicted that she would never move to the countryside to now “see where I got myself end up with (!)”, in this unexpected journey, I am not who I was.
This morning when encountering this butterfly, I recalled the contemplation before falling asleep.
“Does London have butterflies waiting for me on my way home from breakfast?”
Or the bird chirping?
Or the quietness even after everyone woke up for the day?
Quickly leaving the thought behind and letting myself fully immerse in this butterfly.
Those years of NOT letting go my words birthed out of anger and rebellion took its toll.
I chose to ignore possibilities to find and enjoy love.
I exiled my need of companionships in many areas of life.
I grabbed on the labels I wanted and earned so tightly that at some point, I fell into depression-like state.
I did NOT want to be a woman and harbored energy conflicts within myself for years.
Don’t get me wrong. I would not exchange these life experiences for anything else as they made me who I am today.
Yet, when I start to accept that I was too young to understand change and to allow myself into the natural evolution of being with the life experiences I created for myself, I am truly free to pursue whatever I want even when it would prove what others told me 20 years ago is right.
I dreaded people asking me why I moved back to Taiwan since this was the place I wanted to run away from since 16.
I dreaded being drawn to the country life since I’ve worn the glamorous and competitive city girl label so nicely.
I am here now.
With the privilege of butterfly sighting on a random morning.
I changed and I am here.
And it’s ok.
Life is like the nature; it changes with seasons and each spring or fall look different year after year.
We are moving into a new year. Time has changed.
What’s the sensation of change you’re resisting at this moment?
What if you let it?
- Are you an achiever, a doer and a go getter? Achieving is daily life for you; yet, is there a voice constantly telling you you are not enough?
- Have you had setbacks, heart breaks, challenges, struggles and you simply get up and get going?
- Do you have parts of you neatly tucked away because everyone says those will stop you from being successful?
- Do you play by the rules in every aspect of your life and feel exhausted and lost?
- Do you have a story or a truth burning inside; yet, you never have the permission to speak it out?
Do you want to believe there is another way to Lead and Live that is full of compassion and love by your own definition?
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